CUYO KILLER STRIKES! TEEN DEVOURS GUINEA PIGS AND DEFACES HIGH SCHOOL IN BIZARRE RAMPAGE!

In a story that’s equal parts shocking and downright bizarre, Bellevue High School has become the epicenter of a pet-eating scandal that’s left the community reeling! Devin Ortiz, a local teen with a seemingly insatiable appetite for chaos (and guinea pigs), allegedly chowed down on his beloved pets—known as ‘cuyos’ in Spanish—before unleashing a torrent of mischief on school grounds. Witnesses claim Ortiz stormed the campus, shouting, 'I ate those motherf***ing cuyos!' while, erm, ‘marking his territory’ all over the football field. Talk about a wild lunch break!

Sources say Devin’s guinea pig obsession took a dark turn when he decided they’d make a better snack than companions. ‘He just snapped,’ said one anonymous classmate. ‘One minute he’s cuddling them, the next he’s got barbecue sauce on his chin!’ After his alleged feast, Ortiz reportedly turned his sights on the school, leaving a soggy mess and a legacy as the ‘Cuyo Killer.’ Local authorities are baffled, with one officer joking, ‘We’ve seen vandalism, but this is a whole new level of weird!’

As the community cleans up, one thing is clear: Devin Ortiz has earned his infamous nickname. Will the Cuyo Killer strike again, or was this just a one-time guinea pig gorge-fest? Stay tuned for updates on this utterly unhinged tale!