MAN BANNED FOR LIFE FROM BUFFET AFTER PARROT PIG-OUT SHOCKER!

In a feathered fiasco that’s ruffling everyone’s feathers, local man James Murphy has been slapped with a lifetime ban from the Golden Corral Buffet in Springfield after an outrageous incident involving his pet parrot, Captain Squawkbeard. Witnesses report that Murphy, a self-proclaimed ‘pirate at heart,’ strutted into the all-you-can-eat haven with his brightly colored sidekick perched on his shoulder—and then let the bird chow down right off the buffet line! ‘He just plopped Captain Squawkbeard onto the sneeze guard and let him peck at the fried chicken!’ gasped diner Linda Hargrove. ‘It was like a scene from a pirate movie, but with more mashed potatoes!’

Staff attempted to intervene, but Murphy allegedly argued that the parrot was his ‘emotional support pirate’ and deserved a seat at the table—or at least a nibble of the cornbread. After the bird reportedly squawked profanities at the manager and dive-bombed the dessert tray, the duo was escorted out. Golden Corral issued a statement saying, ‘We love our customers, but we draw the line at winged buffet bandits.’ Murphy, undeterred, claims he’ll appeal the ban with a petition signed by ‘all the parrots in town.’ Arrr you kidding us, matey?