SHORELINE’S PORK-FREE QUEEN BECOMES MILLIONAIRE OVERNIGHT WITH KILLER PERNIL RECIPE—YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW SHE DOES IT!

Shoreline, Washington, is buzzing with the most sizzling scandal since the great salmon shortage of ’09! Naomi, a self-proclaimed pork abstainer, has shockingly been crowned the Pernil Princess of the Pacific Northwest. Despite swearing off swine for life, her secret recipe for the traditional Puerto Rican roast pork has turned her into the richest person in town—yep, she’s rolling in more dough than a bakery on Thanksgiving! Locals are gobsmacked as her backyard BBQs have become the hottest ticket, with lines longer than a Black Friday sale at Best Buy.

Whispers around Shoreline call Naomi ‘loose’ for the wild, theatrical way she slaughters that pig—think less farmyard and more Broadway musical! But does she care? Not a ham’s chance! ‘I don’t eat it, but I sure can cook it,’ she cackles, basting another masterpiece. Her secret? A mysterious marinade she claims was ‘whispered to her by a mermaid off Puget Sound.’ Whether it’s magic or just mad skills, Naomi’s pernil empire is unstoppable, and now she’s eyeing a reality TV deal. Move over, Gordon Ramsay—there’s a new chef in town, and she’s bringing home the bacon... metaphorically, of course!